This was wrote from a boredom night,,when I thought it would be a good idea to test write or die software(it took me least than an hour to write around one thousand words wow) and .. I don't know exactly what I did, but maybe I will develop this character later.
PS: I'm so sorry if I did any grammar mistakes I'm just kinda sleepy and I typed to fast to notice something wrong.
PS² : I just signed to NaNoWriMo I hope I can finish my novel until the end of November!
I don't know when it all started. It was supposed to be a crush, you know... these romantic stupid kind of infatuation you get when you're too young to understand your own feeling towards yourself so you manage to love the wrong person. The kind of thing you dream of being responded too, but don't expect the other to feel the same. I still can't understand how I had managed to make that happen. I expected him to ignore me, to bash me , to hate me... I expected anything but not this. Not what happened. I gave myself to him, I gave my soul and heart to him,and he managed to treat it as the most precious jewel. How the fuck is someone supposed to do this? I knew it was wrong, eve if didn't exactly knew why. I knew we weren't supposed to be like this... We're both men, DAMMIT he is my fucking history teacher. And I have the most flustered impossible love towards him. We were supposed to have this normal teacher/student relationship. I was supposed to respect him not love him.And here I am lamenting that I will graduate tomorrow and maybe I will never see is face again. Oh god, I hate myself so fucking much. I wish I was normal boy, the kind who would fell for the popular cheerleader girl not the boring history teacher. With his grumpy expression and hateful homework's assignments. I wish I didn't blush or felt my heart racing when I saw he smiling when I answered his questions right. I wish it didn't happened the way it did. But what do I have to regret now? That I have lost my virginity in the back of his car? Surely this ain't one of my regrets, believe me it was great. was it that I loved him too much? I don' know... Maybe if... I never confessed myself,maybe if my feelings weren't reciprocate. Maybe if ... I was strong enough to leave all of this behind. Now I'm afraid of move on, I know Ii have to,but I fear I won't. I know I must say goodbye, wipe out my tears and keep living my life. Without looking back. It were supposed to be only a child like crush. It weren't supposed to be like this, to end like this. I just hate myself so fucking much, I just love him so fucking much. I don't if I will ever regret my love for him, as I will regret graduating and leaving him. And that's why I hate myself,that's why I hate loving him that much, that's why I hate that he loves me back(or at least I think he does). Because I will leave him, he will be alone again, and I won't be there to love him and wipe his lonely tears when they fall. Ugh, I hate it so much, that growing feeling inside of me. I don't even know how it started, I just know that I'm putting such a sad end to it. Maybe I'm just overreacting maybe he wont be sad as I am.Maybe he will lead his life to be happy to the end, and Ii'll be the only regretting my past decisions. I'll be the only regretting this forbidden love. Even if it is... Even if I'm the only one stupidly suffering for this,I hope there is a hell, so we will met again. And there I will know he is suffering just like I am suffering now. Now with my burning chest and dry throat I hope to see him in hell, to suffer for all the wrong things we did. It wasn't my fault from the start,right? I just gonna wipe off my tears ignore all that bullshit,all of these stupid feelings, all of these stupid thoughts I gonna live my life. I gonna be happy, gonna find a love for me that doesn't make em feel that guilty, that doesn't make me hate my fucking self. That doesn't make curse for no particular reason. And I know I will regret this love and it will be your fault. Because that love will not be you. and my feelings, for you will never end,will never cease hunting me. Hunting my future to think about the past. I don't know how all that shit started but I hope I will able to end it. Because I'm not strong enough to leave him without regretting it. Because I love him so fucking much and I want to keep him with me for all the fucking eternity.And I can't, I'm graduating and I will leave him,he won't remember him... I'm just an young fuck he got while he could still make his dick hard enough to shove it against my asshole. And I liked when he did it... Why would I love him that much? Why I started what I couldn't end? Was I the only who started it? Did ti even had a start? I'm a mess, and it's his fault. I love him so much ad it's his fault. If someone started, it must had been him.At least I hope it was him... it's better to blame him than blame myself. So I can leave him without hating myself eve more... right? By the way, it doesn't even matter anymore, I gonna leave anyway. It all over anyway... I don't need feeling, I don't need excuses, all will leave him and live my life. It is how everything was supposed to be, and I'll ignore all my past.I'll pretend it never happened and Ii will try to be happy, even if hi is not beside me. to wrap myself in his arms. I'll be happy without him. I don't need him to love me, because I will love myself. And I will love me more than I ever loved him.... Who am I lying to? I will never be able to love myself more that I ever loved him. I will never be able to love someone else more than I love him, even it is myself. He stole my heart from me, and he'll keep my heart with him, because I'll leave my heart with him too. And I might regret it, I know I will regret it. But for now I will just pretend I don't give a fuck.
Soo what you guys thought about it?
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